Pillow
A short writing piece from a WIMEL Writer
If you walk into my room, you will immediately be greeted by an unflattering, collage picture pillow of me asleep in odd and untimely situations. A gag gift of sorts from my parents for Christmas a couple of years prior. The words ‘Sleep is my Super Power’ are centered on the pillow. I received this gift prior to my diagnosis of M.E., but even at the age of fifteen, it was clear to those around me I could certainly sleep forever, it seemed. Although teenagers are known for sleeping, yes, it was obvious to my parents this was not the typical sleeping pattern that my two older siblings experienced as teenagers, so therefore it must be my ‘superpower’.
Most people, when asked what their dream superpower would be, they would say mind reading, flight, or super strength. Unsurprisingly, sleep does not top these lists. Instead, sleep is seen as an annoying prerequisite needed to live. To me, sleep does not provide its key restorative characteristic where I wake up refreshed and ready for the day; it merely poses as a thing I cannot get away from. I am constantly pulled into rest throughout my day, because I am without energy. Yet when I need rest the most, insomnia keeps my eyes peeled wide open. Fatigue does not only manifest through needing rest, it means my body feels crushed by a weight of 1,000 pounds holding me to my bed, unable to move. It means my brain takes triple the time to work through mental tasks that are slowed by wading through the fog clouding my mind. Fatigue means constantly, carefully, selecting what activities I deem worth having to stay in bed for days afterwards as my Post-Exertional Malaise (PEM) grips me. Fatigue means living a life that is misunderstood. Some doctors erroneously blame mental illness for my serious physical symptoms. My family is left unable to help as my physical state worsens. I must leave behind activities and people that bring me joy as my illness derails my ability to have energy left for anything but school and work. My life has become attached to my bed and my pillows forced to let go of a life that once was.
Fatigue not only closes my eyelids, it holds my life hostage in the prison that is ME.
How could I view my fatigue as a gift when most people wouldn’t wish my life’s reality on their worst enemy.
-Addison, USA, Living with ME since 2023
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You go to school and a have a job? That sounds impossible with your condition. How do you manage it? I can’t imagine how difficult that must be😔